New Paltz High School

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New Paltz High School
NPHS is actually bearable, despite it’s forever over crowded main hall and revolving door of new teachers. Yes, there are

many things wrong with New Paltz High School. Like the horrible, semi-retarded, out of sync cheer team (being new doesn’t give you an excuse for looking like crap), the ridiculous school wide drama (even the emo kids have it), and excess of over-achievers.But at the same time, we have some really chill teachers, a general lack of cliques (we’re unified by our appreciation of pot), and fucking awesome cookies.The academics at NPHS are supposed to be top notch. But seriously we’re not that smart. It’s just that the midget principal forces us to take as many APs as possible. When we realize that we’re fucked we all just end up cheating off of eachother. Despite us being immature assholes, some of the teachers are really cool. Foti can kiss my ass but Diana and Espinosa are really great teachers and ridiculously funny (even moreso when taken out of the classroom).The kids at NPHS are melodramatic and bitchy. We’re all pretty hot, friendly, and horny, so that starts a lot of fights. Because we have such a lack of cliques, it just means that the girls fuck around with more guys and the guys scratch their balls with more guys. Everyone’s really tight with eachother because most of us have known eachother for thirteen long motherfucking years.The food is well…. crappy. But that’s really not a surprise. The only food the cafeteria offers is ridiculously unhealthy (curly fries with nacho cheese WTF?!?!?) but they have a terrible salad bar and use that to defend the shit food. Not that it doesn’t taste good. It tastes awesome because of all the oil and lard they put in it. Hello, chocolate chip cookies. Seriously, the student body is one when it comes to our love of the school’s under cooked cookies.Extra curriculars? Well everyone does a sport because we’re all preppy MOFOs. The XC team fucking beasts, which makes up for our crappy football and basketball teams. As for clubs… they exist? We have a ton of clubs because teachers get paid extra if they supervise a club, but they’re all pretty pointless. Environmental club makes bad videos about recycling all year to be broadcasted on NPZ, the newspaper is basically comprised of two cut-throat girls, and book club? Book club is made up of ghost members.

“Those potheads in front of the Muddy Cup aren’t from SUNY, they go to New Paltz High School.”

“The bitches at New Paltz High School will suck your cock dry.”

“New Paltz High School doesn’t have enough gay kids.”

New Paltz High School: define #2
New Paltz High School
If you go to New Paltz High School you are one or more of the following:

-a ridiculous perfectionist (I know twelve girls off the top of my head who are in 5 clubs and taking 4 AP classes)


-a burnt out pothead (Yes, burned out before graduation. Kids smoke up before school, in school, and after school with our teachers. You’d be smoked out too)

-in hiding (If you want to survive, you hide)

-“ghetto” (Your skin may be black, and sure, you wear Baby Phat but let’s face it… YOU LIVE IN NEW PALTZ)

The rules in NPHS are a joke. It’s basically, don’t piss people off and you can do whatever the hell you please. I skip most classes and just go into the study halls or leave campus, and most others do the same. You can get away with this because the Assistant Principal spends all his time caressing a motherfucking banana and the hall monitors throng outside the gym and gossip.

Most of the teachers realize how much of a joke New Paltz High School is and are as apathetic as we are about the whole situation. Here are a few examples of the shit we get though:

English Teacher likes to scream about phallic symbols in Hamlet (there are none, but English Teacher is an excellent demonstration of many of Freud’s theories) and SAT words. It’s only tenth grade English, but you’re a fucking idiot if you don’t have 800 of them memorized by now. The best way to deal with her is by participating in a class competition in who can find the most creative way to pretend kill her while her back is turned.

History Teacher loves Maine. Really motherfucking loves it. He loves Maine so much you will know more about how to build houses in Maine at the end of the year than Economics, which the final is on, but the whole grade is based off of favoritism anyway.

French Teacher is a ballerina and ball room dancer and neurotic blonde and would love to shit on whatever homework you give her.

Math Teacher you won’t understand. Not because the material is hard. The Integrated Algebra Regents is curved up 40 points so you would need to have Downs Syndrome to flunk it. You won’t understand her because even though she’s from the USA she has a thick Indian accent. Note how often she asks you to “Take out your cock-a-lators”. She knows how this sounds. And the effect it will have on ninth grade boys.

The composition of NPHS is white. Very, very, white. Sure, we have five “ghetto” students. But they’re not kidding anyone. The principal still searches and will hire based on race (if you’re black you’re in) anyway because the five black students we have need to be taught by soley black teachers, apparantly.

To top it all off, our school mascot is a Huguenot that would love to butt rape you.

I go to New Paltz High School, this is how the typical day goes:

7.30: Get to school. Gossip in the halls with your friends (if you’re normal-popular) or go joke with your favorite teacher (if you’re normal-loser).

8.00: Class. Either fall asleep, take notes, or bolt.

9.15: Next class. Hear some shit about how Krystal just got trashed in the bathroom while going to class. Teacher thinks that your friends and now calls you by a nickname.

11.00: Lunch. You eat underneath a tree if you’re emo and talk and make jokes about diahreea. If you’re normal or popular you eat at a table and are probably talking about how much work you have and how so and so is a dumb slut.

12.00: Gym. The coach abuses his wife (who blogs about it) and you have trouble keeping yourself from kicking him in the balls everytime you see him.

1.15: More class. By this time you need a break and decide to skip and chill in a study hall. You and your friends will sleep, gossip, and study.

2.15: School lets out, but since everyone is a perfectionist no one fucking leaves. You either go to a club, the library or a sport and spend the next hour and a half mentally committing suicide.

3.15: Late bus home. It is with THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KIDS. For an hour you try to drown out the screams with music you’ll hate two months from now.

“Fuck New Paltz High School.”

New Paltz High School: define #3
New Paltz High School
New Paltz Highschool.. The asisstant principle walks around with a banana in his hand 24/7 grilling kids cause he thinks hes intimidating & the Principle herself is about 4’9 and looks like Wee Man. Rumor in the school is that the athletic director, a full blown lesbian has a relationship with the principle herself to. The school consist of only about two ghetto kids..the rest are either flaming gays, mentally retarted, dungeon and dragon nerds, dumb over egoed jocks,sleezy sluts and potheads. Drama revolves all around the school, theres even a gossip girl page on myspace so people can keep up with it all.
A day in New Paltz High School.. The thing’s you’d hear.

Slut: Hey, did you see that stuff about me on gossip girl! im so proud of myself!

Jock: Yeah, i dont know how you managed to fuck all 13 of those guys in a night.

Nerd 1: Man that girl on gossip girl is awsome.

Nerd 2: Yeah! i’d play in her dungeon allday!.

Gay Kid 1: Hey why don’t you come play dungeons and dragons with us?

Gay Kid 2: Yeah.. come play with us.. *Smiles*

Asisstant Principle: *Pulls out banana & sucks on it*

Asisstant Principle: I hope there not watching this.

Pothead: Whoaa… is that a dildo in his mouth?.

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