I got lost in those fackin New Hampshire mountains, i am such a moron.
State Location: New England. It’s the one between Vermont and Maine. It is part of the United States of America. It is NOT in England, or any other part of Europe for that matter. You’re thinking of Old Hampshire (or just Hampshire as those zany limey bastards call it).
State Motto: “Live Free or Die.” This motto was adopted by General John Stark (cousin of the better known Tony Stark) after viewing the film Live Free or Die Hard, which he described as “inspirational, patriotic, and brickshittingly hardcore” (the General had not seen the other films in the Die Hard series, and upon viewing them he died of blood loss after literally shitting a brick). The motto itself had to be trimmed down from Stark’s original draft of “Live Free or Die Hard: The State” due to copyright issues.
Nickname: “The Granite State.” Contrary to popular belief, this motto has nothing to do with the production of granite, but refers to the material that the balls of New Hampshire natives are made of.
State Bird: The mosquito. All jokes aside, New Hampshire mosquitos are literally the size of “an average schoolchild’s head” and are classified by ornithologists as a member of the aves class. They usually have beards. The 2007 census placed mosquito related deaths (mostly maulings and decapitations) at 42,973 (second only to crossbow related deaths, see state weapon).
State Flower: That blue one from Batman Begins that made people loose their shit. Remember that? Yeah, it was pretty awesome.
State Tree: Marijuana. Don’t really need to elaborate upon that one.
State Fruit: Brian Hynes. You know who you are.
State Food: Maple Syrup.
State Weapon: Crossbow. I know this place where you can buy a crossbow for $21. We totally pierced concrete with it, no joke.
State Movie: Live Free or Die Hard: Unrated (see state motto).
State Song: Like a Rock by Bob Seger.
State Color: Dying Tree Orange.
State Adjective: “Quaint.”
State Adverb: “Wicked” as in “That maple syrup was wicked awesome!”
State Method of Smoking Tobacco: Corn Cob Pipe.
State Useless Invention: The Segway. That thing was invented in New Hampshire. I rode one once. It was alright I guess but nothing to write home about.
State Tartan: green 56, black 2, green 2, black 12, white 2, black 12, purple 2, black 2, purple 8, red 6, purple 28. To be completely honest, I have no idea what this means, I just found it on Wikipedia.
State Plaything: Slabs of Granite.
State Hobby: Guanthag (a sport involving tossing large slabs of granite).
State Jew: Sarah Silverman.
According to American legend, New Hampshire surfaces from the depths of the ocean every four years at election time, when it is then paid an inordinate amount of attention for two-to-four weeks before sinking back into the murky, mystical land of Libertaria. At the primaries, often as much as sixty percent of New Hampshirites show up to vote.
It is an un-diverse state with its ethnic population growing to as much as -1,000,000% in the past four years. New Hampshire parents tell their children that if they capture an ethnic minority he will grant them three wishes and then disappear.
It is known as “the Granite State,” though Vermont actually possesses more granite in its soil than New Hampshire. Some New Hampshire icons include moose, lobster, maple tree leaves, and the late Old Man of the Mountain (a face-like protrusion from rockface locate at “the Notch”; this natural formation was lost to the state shortly after being printed on all New Hampshire license plates and the New Hampshire quarter, when the thing finally fell off the damn mountain).
Much of New Hampshire is agricultural and poorly-populated. Some almost-well-known cities, however, include Manchester (Manch Vegas), Nashua (Nausea), and Concord as the state capitol.
Though New Hampshire is thought of as a backwards-ass hickstate and is known to be fiscally conservative, the state is surprisingly socially liberal. As of January 2008, same-sex civil unions are now permitted. Lesser known than this, the state is actually home to some trailblazing legislature in the areas of mental health and domestic violence.
New Hampshire is a strongly libertarian state and even has a libertarian party. Close to fifty percent of voters are registered independent.
Arguably the most interesting thing about the state to those who move there is a lack of zoning laws. Laconia, NH is a particularly remarkable city where even fastfood chains can own lakefront property. In other parts of the state, one can easily observe mobile homes directly next to mansions.
New Hampshirites have esteem for only one-to-three other states, varying with the occasion and context. These states are Maine (often held in high esteem for its relative northness), Vermont (occasionally held in esteem for its New Hampshirey qualities), and Minnesota (sometimes held in esteem for its epic coldness). Visitors from Massachusetts often receive only disdain from New Hampshire natives, who insist that those from Mass (often called “Massholes”) only visit so they can buy New Hampshire’s relatively cheap vices (liquor, lottery tickets, tobacco), drive like crap all over New Hampshire’s roads, and ski like crap all down New Hampshire’s mountains.
New Hampshirites are a proud people whose motto is to “live free or die.” With no seatbelt or helmet laws over age eighteen, some make the case that the state motto ought to be “live free AND die.”
Translation: “Let’s get some maple syrup and New Hampshire it up in here!”
Eric: Damn, you’re so lucky!
Jon: I know! Just last night while riding my motorcycle without a helmet I bought fireworks from a convience store. They were cheap ’cause they had NO TAX. Oh, I also bought booze from that same store too, not a packie.