home to scotland’s beloved nessie, the world famous Loch Ness Monster.
– “So my dad drives a hummer, and I’m like ‘dad’, ‘hummer’, same sentence?… ew, that’s lochness”
– “The <insert favorite team here> just lost again! They are so lochness right now”
– “I do believe that I was so frightened that I lochnessed myself”
2) A tragic film in which Ted Danson’s reputation was well and truly drowned.
Pete: In Scotland?
Rob: No, in the DVD bargain bucket at the petrol station.
If you go down to Loch Ness today you’ll see the splendors of the midgie, a fly like the mosquitoe, who attack in thousands.
Or maybe the herds of yanks, who come with their massive cars, fat wifes and fatter children, who pay over 30 pound to watch some acne-infested student tell them about the legend of an over-sized fish, which he reads off his hand.
In the case of an emergency, such as Nessie getting kidnapped by a senile old billionaire, a fire, or 99.9% of the time, the tour guide needing a fag break, just wait a few hours as he walks out to tend to the needs of his habit and goes to get something to eat, while you stand with a bunch of other gullible foreigners who don’t understand what exactly the receptionist was laughing about when you handed her a 100 pound note.
And after a complete waste of 2 hours, sit down and chow on a nessie burger, which can be found in the dozens of burger bars situated in Loch Ness.
(Do not believe that the name nessie burger means that there is any source of Nessie in it. It tastes more like hobo)
Like that isn’t enough, come buy cute nessie dolls at the toy shops, such as Nessie saying “Cause im green, innit?”
or the usual “scottish stereotype being chased by a ferocious penise shaped head while fishing for chips” shirt.
So, if your looking to get swindled out of your money, have your kids flesh torn apart by midgies, and all in all, sit in the pishing rain looking for your green chum Nessie, come ahead.
It fab dabby dastard. (Cough)
Loch Ness Tourism Board
2)We Nessied until I couldn’t feel anymore. Then we started over.